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Many of us see the New Year as a time to turn over a new leaf.
Maybe we let things go last year, and this seems like a way to
start with a clean slate. This year it will be different, we
tell ourselves. But will it?
Often we start out doing things the same way we've always done
them, expecting different results. (One definition of insanity!)
Maybe we haven't asked ourselves how we missed the mark last
time. Or we set up inflexible goals - again. (You intend to go
jogging every morning, but the 3rd day it's raining and you give
up.) In this case there was a rush to action instead of
anticipating possible roadblocks and coming up with alternatives
first.
It doesn't hurt to have goals. People who have goals tend to
achieve the results they want in their lives instead of going
around in circles. But the classic "resolutions" usually smack
of all-or-none thinking. They're abrupt, unforgiving,
authoritarian, and usually don't work too well. And they
generally focus on a perceived lack, something we don't like
about ourselves, something that isn't good and doesn't measure
up that we have to "fix."
It reminds me of how I used to clean my room as a kid. I
wouldn't pick up after myself, but I'd let my room get really
messy. The mess would get overwhelming and I'd stay home all day
Saturday to clean. (Punishment.) But I wouldn't just straighten
up; I'd scrub all the surfaces. I wouldn't just put things away;
I'd dump out all the drawers and rearrange everything. I
wouldn't just put the dirty clothes in the wash; I'd put all my
clothes in the wash. It began to dawn on me that this was
excessive (and a bit obsessive) and too much work. Plus it
didn't make me feel any better.
The feeling I had was that I wasn't OK the way I was and that
everything needed a drastic overhaul. Sound familiar? Think of
the makeovers that you see on TV. I often wonder what happens to
those people after a team has worked on them; how do they
sustain the change? Something may have changed on the outside,
but the inside is still the same.
I think there's a better way to look at ourselves and the
changes we want to make. Rather than makeover, or fixing, think
in terms of "alignment." Your being wants to be in alignment.
It's a natural process. Little adjustments can yield big results
over time.
Let's assume that exercise/weight loss is a goal for you this
year, because that is such a common focus. How can you be more
aligned with your goal?
I suggest taking a "systems approach" - don't look at your goal
in isolation, but use other areas of your life to support the
goal.
First, rate your level of satisfaction with various areas of
your life on a scale of 0-10, zero being "not satisfied at all"
and 10 being "totally satisfied." These are the areas to look
at: career; money; health/self care; friends & family;
significant other; personal growth; fun; physical environment.
Write down a score for each one. You could also jot down a few
words to remind yourself why you chose the score you did.
Typically you'll have some areas of your life with fairly high
ratings, say 7 or 8, and some areas where you don't really feel
satisfied at all. Remember, this is not based on some arbitrary
scale, but rather on how satisfied YOU feel.
Suppose, for our example, you have low ratings in health/self
care, family & friends, and fun. What are some of the things
that you could do in these areas to increase your satisfaction
AND support your goal of exercise/weight loss?
* In health/self care, beyond the obvious food plan and
exercise, you could get a massage, go to a sauna, have a really
good haircut, buy a new outfit - something that can help you
feel good about yourself even though you're not at the weight
you want to be. Anything that contributes to your self-esteem
will be helpful for your weight loss goal.
* In the area of fun - and this can be a really hard area for
some people - if your leisure time is spent doing sedentary
things like going to the movies or watching TV, do something
more active like dancing. If that's too big a step, you could
try walking to your local café instead of driving, for example.
Or walk to the movies.
* If you want to increase your level of satisfaction in the area
of friends/family you could get together once a week to make a
new recipe that fits into your food plan, or make a date to meet
in a neighboring town you're not familiar with and walk the
streets.
None of these specific suggestions may appeal to you, but you
get the idea. Let your whole life support you in what you want
to accomplish, and try some things you haven't done before. If
you focus only on what you're eating, or your exercise routine
at the gym, you'll have an external focus that might be hard to
sustain.
But if you align the various areas of your life to your goal,
you're more likely to succeed and see a shift in your attitude
and the way you see your life.
About the author:
Martha Ruske is a marriage and family therapist in California.
She currently works with people in long-term recovery from
alcoholism, helping them step out into the fuller life they
deserve. Sign up for the newsletter and get a free workbook at
http://www.intentionalpath.com
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