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Les came to me a few months ago, fearful that his wife was
having an affair. They'd been having problems, and she was
spending more and more time out of the house, apparently out
with friends. Les didn't believe her for a second, and spent the
time stewing at home, dialing her cell number, and on more than
one occasion, cruising around to see if he could see her out and
about.
As soon as she came home, she'd be given a relentless grilling,
and over time she shut him down entirely. Communication dried
up, and the relationship was, it appeared, all but over.
He looked dreadful: tried, overwrought and overweight. His skin
was bad, his breath was nasty, and he displayed all the classic
signs of a guy who was being eaten up, from the inside out.
And of course all this desperation and jealousy was not only
making him sad and sick, it was driving her further and further
away too! His lack of trust in her was not only deeply insulting
but was eroding anything good they'd ever had.
Now Les desperately wanted to get out of this horrible mess, and
was willing to work with me to completely change his perspective
and behaviors.
I can guarantee that letting your jealousy show is a fail-safe
way to lose your dignity, dismantle your self-esteem and
frankly, ruin your life! Nothing will ruin a relationship or
marriage faster than jealously. It creates anxiety, anger,
loneliness, hate and fear. No one thinks clearly when they're
jealous.
Having a relationship with a jealous person is no fun either.
Jealousy makes the person unattractive, even transforming them
from lover and supporter, to enemy.
No one wants a jealous partner and no one likes being jealous.
So how come so many people are?
In my experience there are a number of reasons, but the primary
cause is a breakdown in communications, and this usually happens
for one of two reasons:
Something has changed, and for some reason you don't feel able
to communicate openly and honestly anymore...
Or perhaps one or both partners are manipulating their power by
withholding information out of anger, hurt or even just plain
thoughtlessness.
Both situations create communication "black-holes" which are
then easily filled with fill fear, fury and fantasy.
Communication vacuums open up room for tons of tough questions
from the jealous guy. "Has she found someone she likes better
than me?" "Is she cheating on me?" "Is she going to leave me?"
"Has she found someone richer, younger, funnier?"
When you're jealous you assume the worst:
"Maybe she'll fall in love with her personal trainer and leave
me."
"She's going to lunch with her boss because she's having an
affair with him."
"She's not answering the phone because she's in bed with some
guy in a motel!" You know how that one goes? I bet you felt
pretty stupid too, when she came in from the supermarket
carrying loads of groceries, but even as you unpacked those
groceries I bet you were still looking for clues that she'd been
cheating!
Wow. We sure make life tough for ourselves sometimes.
So how do you handle these awful feelings of jealousy? How do
you deal with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend who is jealous?
First if you are jealous, you need to communicate. You need to
stop assuming the worst and ask questions. Open up the lines
again. Don't be aggressive, defensive, confrontation or prickly.
Second, and just as important, you have to stop looking thirsty
for reassurance. How on earth can she respect you, if you don't
respect yourself enough to control your fears and paranoia?
Thirdly, you have to remind yourself why you are together in the
first place, and understand that a relationship is only worth
keeping alive if you CAN trust each other. If that trust is lost
forever, then maybe it's time to move on.
Remember, jealousy is demeaning and humiliation. It is a sign of
weakness and fear. In the end the fastest way to kill the
monster has nothing to do with your partner, and everything to
do with you. When you have great self-esteem, jealousy has no
choice but to pack it's bags, and leave town!
About the author:
Burrel Lee Wilks III is America's Most Authentic Life Coach!
Find out more about this Streetwise MBA (Master of being Alive)
at http://www.burrelstreetwise.com or subscribe to his free
newsletter at http://www.TheBurrelReport.com
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