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Copyright 2009-2015 Donna Gunter
I'll be the first to admit I'm the "Donna-come-lately" in this
game of simultaneously managing a business and a romantic
relationship. When I was married the first time around at age
26, I worked in higher education administration and was
completely and totally devoted to my job -- not necessarily to
the exclusion of my marriage -- but for many years my marriage
and my relationship took a back seat to my job. Big mistake.
That issue and a host of other reasons led to the dissolution of
my marriage and the finalization of my divorce after almost 10
years of marriage in 1999.
I went for two full years without dating, as I needed to grieve
the relationship and heal myself and come to terms with all of
my issues surrounding my marriage and divorce before deciding to
put my toe again into the dating pool and foist all of these
hangups on some unsuspecting guy. This aspect of my healing went
pretty well, although I'll have to admit it took probably 3
years or so after my initial separation to fully work through
all the anger I had about the relationship and the divorce.
I began dating again and vowed that things would be different
this time. I discovered, however, that dating had changed
dramatically in the 13 years or so that I'd been absent from the
dating scene, and that I still had alot to learn about being a
good partner in a romantic relationship, as well as in figuring
out what I wanted in a romantic partner. I saw the good, bad,
and ugly sides of men, kissed alot of frogs, and learned a great
deal about myself and what I really wanted during my journey.
Synchronicity occurs when you're ready and open to receive what
you truly want. For me, that occurred last fall when I met the
man I had been looking for all of my life, Eric. For me, it was
love almost at first sight, but I knew by our second date that I
had never had this degree of compatibility with anyone I had
ever dated before -- not even my ex-husband, and I had married
him!
Our relationship is still in its infancy, although we both feel
like we've been together and known each other forever. Perhaps
we have in another life, if you believe in reincarnation.....
Here are some things I've learned through the school of hard
knocks that's helping me maintain this relationship, as well as
run a business, without losing either:
1. Put your partner and the relationship first. Running a
business can be a 24/7 job, but the old adage about "no one ever
says on their deathbed that they wished they'd spent more time
at the office" is true. Eric and I make time for each other
during the day, despite working different schedules (he works
many night and weekend shifts, and I run my business during the
weekday business hours). If he's at work, we manage to talk at
least twice for short periods during his 12-hour shift, and if
he's home during the day when I'm working at home, we try and
eat one meal together. At a minimum we drop into each other's
home offices for several quick smooches or hugs or quick "how
are you doing" conversations.
In the past he's expressed to me his concerns that our
relationship is interfering with my business. I've told him that
he's right -- it is -- and that because he's in my life, I've
had to start thinking about my business differently and work in
it differently than I did as a single person. I don't work the
long hours that I used to work before he came into my life. It
takes me longer to get things done, but it's a sacrifice that
I'm willing to make. Businesses come and go, but finding a
soulmate is VERY hard work.
2. Your partner needs to be your best friend. Eric is the one
with whom I share everything. I may not always like what he
says, but I respect his opinion. When I was married, I somehow
got off track with my ex in terms of sharing my hopes and dreams
and what I wanted in life, and shared those exclusively with my
best female friend. My ex was left out of the loop, and I made
many decisions about our relationship on my own, after talking
about the issue with my best female friend, not my ex-husband.
Having 3 people in a relationship (2 spouses and a best friend)
is one too many. Sharing information with a best friend is fine,
but don't do it to the exclusion of your romantic partner, if
you want your relationship to survive.
3. Create a calendar consisting of free days, business
development days, and profit-generating days. I have mapped out
on my calendar my free days (weekends, days off, holidays, and
vacation days), my business development days (when I write,
speak, conduct marketing activities or pursue strategic
alliances) and profit-generating days (when I'm working directly
with clients). This has been an exercise in extreme discipline
for me, as the temptation is always there to do some type of
work on my free days. However, in the last year, I've made
myself keep my free days free, as I need that time to get away
from my business and have fun and recharge.
Since Eric has come into my life, we've set aside some of that
time for date nights or weekend vacations when he's doesn't have
to work on a weekend. His impish side comes out on his days off
during the week when he tries to lure me out of my office to go
out and goof off with him. I've succumbed to his whims on
occasion, but haven't quite gotten my business to the point of
of having it run successfully without me. That's my next goal --
to have more flexibility in my business so that it's not so
dependent on my presence in my office.
4. Share your business highs and lows with your partner. Every
time I have a big business "win", Eric is the first to hear
about it. When something doesn't go the way I'd hoped, I tell
him first. My business is important to me, as is Eric's job to
him, so we both make it a point to ask how the day has gone for
the other, and sit and listen patiently to the good and bad
portions of each other's day. As we're both problem-solvers,
it's difficult for each of us to sometimes simply let the other
one vent, as we're already thinking of solutions to whatever
situation is at hand. Sometimes one of us has to say, "Do you
just want to vent and have me listen?" when one of us shifts
into the unwanted problem-solving mode.
5. Make time for each other. When you have opposing work
schedules, as Eric and I have, and add mandatory overtime that
Eric has to work frequently during the year, we may see little
of each other over the course of a week. We've both gotten good
at sensing that we're losing track of each other, and requesting
a "date night" so we can talk and play and catch up.
6. Never go to bed angry. By far, this is the hardest lesson
I've had to learn. When I was married, I would get angry at my
ex and give him the silent treatment for days because I knew it
drove him crazy. Usually by day 3 or so he would crack, and we'd
make up. Now that I look back on this, I realize how immature
and juvenile this way of fighting is, so the silent treatment is
out as a way of fighting in my current relationship. Eric and I
have had our share of spats and disagreements, and I'm almost
always the first one to wave the white flag for a truce and an
end to the argument, usually within the course of an hour or so.
Life is just too short to continue to fight in stupid ways, and
it's hard to regroup in a relationship if you let something
fester overnight.
7. Forgive each other for being human. It took me a long time to
acknowledge that I'm not perfect, and even longer to figure out
that no romantic relationship is perfect, either. Give up the
notion of perfection and accept each other as you are. One of my
great faults in romantic relationships has always been the need
to "fix" my partner. I'd see the potential in a guy and stay in
a relationship long after it was dead, under the guise of,
"Well, if you'd only do this and this and this, you'd be so
great, because you have so much potential." Oprah said something
along the lines of, "believe what they tell you the first time
they tell it." We all bring our quirks, our baggage, and our
eccentricities into relationships, and do and say things that
drive our partners completely nuts. Remember that forgiveness is
divine, and that it'll only be a matter of time before you need
forgiveness.
8. Say "I love you" every day...and mean it. I feel so lucky and
so fortunate to have finally met the man of my dreams. I always
thought that often-quoted line, "You complete me," that Renee
Zellweger's character says to Tom Cruise's character in the
movie, Jerry Maguire, was so hokey. However, now that I've found
someone with whom I'm so compatible, I've discovered a whole new
meaning and nuance to that line. I tell Eric that I love him at
least once each and every day, and then go on to tell him some
trait or some action he's taken that makes me fall in love with
him all over again.
Being in love and running a business don't have to be mutually
exclusive. Both endeavors are hard work, and if you forget that
point, you can lose one or the other in a flash. Take time to
nourish both your business and your romantic relationship, and
discover how having both in your life will make your life all
the richer.
About the author:
Online Business Coach Donna Gunter helps self-employed
professionals make more profit in less time online. To sign up
for more FREE tips like these and claim your FREE ebook,
TurboCharge Your Productivity: 50 + Tools To Help You Automate
Your Business and Make More Profit in Less Time Online!, visit
her site at http://www.OnlineBizCoachingCompany.com .
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