How To Stop The Revenge Cycle

In reality whether we choose to admit it or not and regardless of what the other spouse "did", both parties contributed to the marriage breakdown. I'm not saying it's always 50/50, sometimes it's 70/30, maybe even 90/10 but never- the- less it is both parties who contribute.

The first reaction most people have when confronted with divorce is revenge. The courts are full of it. Both spouses use everything they can think of to "get even" and "win". They rarely do either.

The consequences are devastating for all concerned. It makes a bad situation, worse. Both are pointing fingers, "she did this" and "he did that". Each trying to justify their actions of revenge. Perhaps thinking that if they make their spouse "see their wrong" then he or she will stop the divorce. It takes two to make a marriage work, only one to make it end. If one spouse wants a divorce nothing can stop him or her. Realizing the powerlessness of the situation, revenge takes it's ugly form.

In this condition they will fight, and argue over everything. The children, the dog, the cat, house, and money. No stone is left unturned when it comes to fighting for what's theirs. Just to "show them", for revenge.

Consider the alternative. What if both parties accepted responsibility for their own role in the breakdown of the marriage? Through this acceptance, both spouses would be able to ask for and receive understanding and forgiveness. When this happens, there is a whole different kind of divorce. No more revenge!

Both spouses will want to be fair and will decide child support, custody, assets, etc. with fairness in mind. The stress factor is reduced, both spouses are happier making their children happier. You will reduce your legal fees. Because this is a amicable situation, agreed upon by both parties, you will probably never see a judge or a courtroom.

Unfortunately the hardest part in this whole situation, is making it happen. Revenge is much easier, you hand it over to the lawyer, show up in court and accept the decision. Then you can blame someone else for your troubles, again.

It may be much easier, but it's not better.

In order to stop the revenge cycle in yourself and your soon -to-be-ex-spouse, you will have to initiate it. First realize and accept your role in the marriage breakdown, no matter how small. When you realize your part you are less likely to point a finger in accusation. You are also more at peace with yourself.

With this in mind, meet in neutral territory and talk calmly and openly. Tell your spouse what you feel was your part in the marriage breakdown and ask for understanding and forgiveness. Don' t make accusations or expect your spouse to reciprocate.

Listen, don't argue.

Discuss your divorce without blame. This doesn't mean you must agree to everything he or she wants to keep peace. You must stand firm in the issues that are important to you. You have to negotiate and compromise in a calm even-tempered manner.

This calm open communication must continue every time you speak to one another or you will quickly lose ground. Remember that the past is the past, nothing you do can change it. You need to deal with the present and the future. How you handle your divorce affects your future in so many ways. Keep this in mind, while you are wondering if this effort is worth it.

Eventually, your spouse will come around and accept his or her role in the marriage breakdown. He or she might not admit it but you will notice a change in communication between the two of you. The cycle of revenge will be over. Let this be enough.

It will be hard work but well worth it for all concerned.

Everyone will win and the rewards will be great.

Written by Liz Wertman,
the author of "Divorce Strategy for Men and Women". This book provides the knowledge necessary for you to make informed decisions regarding your divorce. http://www.divorcewell.com info@divorcewell.com

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